Fart Hospital

Your leading provider in fart related medicine and treatment.

Fart Hospital Recommended Products





About Fart Hospital

A Letter from the Fart Hospital Head Doctor

I founded FartHospital.com for a simple reason. To provide a safe and comprehensive space for people to receive fart and farts related care. Because I come from a family that has known fart associated tragedy first hand, I know how difficult it can be to get the necessary professional medical treatment you deserve. A 2013 study concluded that 61% of fart injuries go untreated, a figure that has risen dramatically (over 24%) since the inaugural study of 1894. Fart related death percentages have also skyrocketed... and the occurrence of anal fissures is approaching an inevitable crisis. It is to the reversal of this grim trend that I have pledged my life’s work. My name is Dr. James Butt-Richard Pine, MFD. And I want to be your fart doctor.

- Dr. James B. R. Pine, MFD

A Letter from the CEO

FartHostpital.com is dedicated to providing top notch fart preventative and post traumatic fart medical products to keep your family safe. With a staff of over 6 thousand dedicated workers, including over 1000 doctors, nurses, and medical professionals, and 2000 scientists and R&D professionals, you can be sure that the products available on FartHospital.com are the very best and most scientifically advanced of their kind. We take pride in everything we do, and strive to ensure that you are farting comfortably, and without fear of injury or fart catastrophe.

From President Barack Obama

One thing that is universal across this vast country is the way we love our families. We do things for them. We protect them by whatever means we have. It is one of the great hallmarks of being American. I see it as the most austere and solemn part of my job to ensure that I make available, to all those living inside the borders of our nation, the means to do just that. To protect. And so, I am thrilled to team with Dr. James Pine and all the other scientists and doctors, nurses and social workers, janitors and orderlies at FartHospital.com, to bring to the American public the means to live a life free from the fear of farting and hurting yourself really bad. Farting and hurting your daughter, or son, or wife. Farting, and hearing that dreaded sound of your anus being torn from a fart that you just farted way too hard. I could not be happier, as your President, to announce that Fart Hospital is here and available for you and your family, just as it is for me and mine.

Testimonials

"What a fantastic experience I had at farthospital.com! Dr. James Pine saved my life! I had such an acute case of SDA that I was living in my bathroom. I needed a very direct anus to anus fart transplant that a normal doctor just didn't have that guts to perform. Dr. Pine wasn't scared. He and his team came TO MY HOME, lined me up on my side, and delivered the life saving blow. Dr. James Pine is not only a life saver, but a true inspiration to us all!"
"I had been given the diagnosis that no one wants to hear: PSDPA (perpetual silver dollar pancake asshole). I thought that my life as I knew it was over. But that's when I found farthospital.com and Dr. Pine. He put me at ease right away by showing me pictures of his own SDP issue. Wow! And I thought I had it bad! How can you not put all of your trust in a man who has been at the forefront of so many butt related problems? My life is back to normal now, I even had Indian food again! Thanks Fart Hospital!"
I was in bad shape when the paramedics wheeled me into Fart Hospital's E.R. A bad fart storm had dropped my back end out and shredded my balloon knot into a million pieces. So there I was, in the Fart Hospital room, sobbing and groaning like a dying animal. I just knew I was dead, and I also feared the storm might have deposited catastrophically toxic levels of methane gas in my apartment, which my wife and seven children would be walking into at any moment. That's when Dr. James B.R. Pine walked into the room. He assured me the hospital had already sent a methane management team to my home, and the hospital had a pygmy cow's anus ready for the transplant procedure. Thirty minutes later, I was a new man...No, on second thought, I was the same man. But I did have a new anus. Now every time I fart I cry tears- tears of joy. And it's all thanks to you, Fart Hospital.
My name is Gregory Peter "PooHead" Shea, and I once suffered through a self-induced case of "Citrass". I was lucky enough to be choppered to FartHospital in time to save my bun clamp, but mentally I was lost. Something was missing, and I've never been able to explain it with words. All I have are countless sketches of the same scene. The first time it happened was in the burn ward at FartHospital. I awoke in a panic, my entire body in a cold sweat -- save for the one spot that I thought could never be cooled again. I rolled over in extreme pain as sweat ran down between my cheeks and hissed into steam under the covers. But I was a man possessed; I needed to sketch the vision from my dream. I knew it was would give me an answer, or at least a clue! Alas, I've awoken and sketched the scene hundreds of times since... and every time, there's a missing piece. The answer of what is missing lives somewhere in my mind; I know it, and someday, somewhere, or in some parallel universe or timeline I will think of it. Until then, I'll continue my sketches, in hopes that some miracle reveals the thing I love so much that I know is missing from them. Sketch 1 | Sketch 2